THUDERSTRUCK

In this time of fear,
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds,
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here,
My heart so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words,
I'd never thought I'd say

My "girlfriend" is a wonderful girl. She really cares about me, she supports me and she has put up with so much from me, and yet everyday she tries her best to make me happy. And I'm truly, madly and deeply in love with her... She's the light of my life, the song in my heart.

Of course, we fight a lot... like some "couples" often do... For example, she often accuses me of not being as understanding and supportive as she would like me to be... and I often accuse her of not being as romantic as I would like her to be...

However, it took an outsider's opinion to make me see how romantic she really is with me... I told this third person something she had said... and before I knew it this person was crying over the phone... telling me that it was the most romantic thing she had ever heard and that I should realize how lucky I was to have someone like her in my life... gulp!... truth be told, I know I am lucky to have her... I've always known...

Obviously, there has to be a teensy weensy little big problem... I only get to spend with her only a few minutes every day -- less each day, in fact -- and the fact that I can't be with her more... that I can't hug her, kiss her, pamper her, tell her i lover her, make love to her every second of the day... saddens me, frustrates me and makes me raging with anger -- not at her, of course -- but at myself, at the circumstances that prevent me from doing so and at life... and, needless to say, also at the lucky bastard who gets to do what I can't...

What frustrates and enrages me even more is than when I'm with her... instead of taking advantage of every fleeting moment... instead of drinking every last drop of time... and try to make every second last an hour... I let my anger and frustration run wild and overwhelm my reason and rational self... and I end up pulling away and sometimes behaving like a jerk...

I need to change this but I don't know how... because our time is short and I want whatever time we have left together to be as happy as possible... because she deserves it and so do I.

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracle, you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe.

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

Some things never cease to amaze me....

How is it that each and everytime my life seems on the verge of break down, the simple things make everything better and put a smile on my face without a sound?

An emerald gaze, a loving whisper, a comforting hug, and a sweet soft kiss. All those things helps me through one more day and makes my life seem worth while.

I was torn between what was and what could be, like my heart was clinging on to the past. My heart had been shattered in a million pieces, but when a pair of wings hold me tight, I feel safe, as a newborn child.

Some things never cease to amaze me....

How is it possible that sometimes a child gives you more love in 5 minutes than a adult can show you in an hour?

Some things never cease to amaze me...

the human capacity for tolerance of crappy situations: relationships, family lunches, conversations. Why do we waste our time on things that we know are not right or that we do not enjoy? We find this coping mechanism inside ourselves that allows us to tolerate these things, and this applies to the deepest and shallowest of situations. On the deeper end, relationships: people staying together "for the kids" or for fear of hurting the other person. On the shallow end: parties or social situations where you walk in and know, you just know, it's going to suck. There will be no one there to talk to, save one or two of your friends if they happen to be in attendance. But you stay because you don't want to offend anyone, or seem rude.

Why, why, why, do we waste our time on things that are unpleasant? Jobs that we hate, family things that we are not having fun at, relationships that go nowhere and the like?! Why do we not just leave? For some reason, humans have developed this social code that forces us do things that we do not want to do. Why would we do that? Why do we glorify it and call it commitment or responsibility or social graces? Why? Our lives are so short, and yet we waste them in so many ways.

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting through my open mind
Posessing and caressing me ... jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world

STREELIGHT PEOPLE

Just a small town girl
Living in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train going anywhere

Tired... tired of having the same money issues month after month after month... tired of stretching the ever shrinking paycheck just to make ends meet... tired of having nothing to show for... no new car... no new house... no new wife... no new nothing... tired of spending every dime that I can get a hold on in consummables: food, gas and debts and bills... tired of paying debts... tired of wondering where the supermarket money for next weekend is going to come from... tired of not knowing what to do... tired of nobody caring... tired of being tired...

A singer in a smoky room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Fed up... fed up of not being able to do what I want to do... fed up of not being able to sleep when I want to sleep... fed up of not being able to eat when I want to eat... fed up of not being able to watch a movie when I want to... fed up of not getting a long warm hug and a loving kiss at the end of a hard day... fed up of not sleeping well... fed up of not being happy... fed up of being hurt... fed up of being second choice... fed up of being fed up...

Strangers, waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people, living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Desperate... desperate to believe that love will overcome circumstances and pain... desperate to fall in love again... desperate to feel that the promise of a brand new day is enough to keep on fighting... desperate for this underdog to win at the end... desperate for things going my way for a change... desperate for something to happen... anything... desperate to stop being desperate...

Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Paying anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

The song haunts me... it's everywhere I go... I've heard it unintentionally at least 10 times in the last week... on the radio, at the coffee shop, on TV, at the movies... at first, I thought it was for somebody else... but then I realized it was for me... just when I'm thinking of taking drastic measures to get out of the slime and mud... just when I had lost all faith in everything and everybody... I think somebody is trying to tell me something...

Don't stop believing
Hold on to that feeling

NIGHTLY WORKOUT

Rocking my baby to sleep every night is no picnic. You see, he inherited all my bad traits and quirks... including my inability to fall asleep fast. Besides, the kid is pretty much hyperactive... so he wants to stay up playing, watching tv and running around for as long as he can... so every night he puts on a very big fight before finally throwing in the towel.

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the fight of the century, In this corner we have the big, ugly and smelly dad, and in this corner we have the master of disaster, the kid ...ok guys lets get ready to ruummmbbbllleee! *sounds bell*

On average, it takes me from 30 to 45 minutes to win the battle. The fight starts with unstoppable crying cause he knows that once I get him into my arms, it's go time!

Off we go...


I start rocking him hard continously for about 15 to 20 minutes... during this time, there might be some more crying, some kicking, some hair pulling, or the use of the finger of death, which he inserts from time to time in my larynx causing great pain, discomfort and the possibility of chocking. But you must struggle on... and keep on rocking... your patience will be rewarded...

Round 2

After a good 15 minutes of hard rocking... the kid is falling asleep and yawning... yet he tries his best not to fall asleep... this time, he'll pull his own hair or start examining his hands or maybe trying to get a hold of his foot... now, it's time to move to a different darker location... closer to his crib... and keep on rocking.. gentlier this time... stopping from time to time... or accelarating the pace when needed...

Round 3

Now the kid starts toying with you... he pretends to be asleep... but he's not... he's waiting for you to put him in his crib to sit up and start jumping again... so you gotta be careful... more gentle rocking is needed... staying still for longer periods of time...

One.. Two... Three... he's down by knockout!

The kid has finally been beaten... and now lays asleep in your arms... you're sweating like a pig, your arms hurt, your back aches... and you know that you should just put him in the crib and walk away... and try to get some sleep yourself... but you don't... you look at the kid safely asleep in your arms... and you just want to freeze time... and hold him for another 10 minutes or so... and you don't want to let go... but then the kid moves and you realize that he needs his space to roll around... so you finally put him down to bed... and walk away with a smile... knowing that tonight you won't have any trouble falling asleep.

SUNDAY BRUNCH

I used to love Sundays... a relaxing family time... take it easy, sleep in, relax, watch a nice movie, watch a good game, read a good book, eat junk food, scratch my balls all day long...

Not since Sunday Brunch with my folks...

Now, I spend most Sundays fighting or trying to keep other people I don't want to be with from fighting... and since the baby, the available restaurant choice are very few... baby needs a place that offers finger foods -- french fries, chicken nuggets, refried beans, hot dogs -- and that is noisy and crowded... and if there should happen to be a balloon making clown, so much better... and to make matters worse, it has to be a place my folks are willing to eat at -- which is not easy... so, currently, the possible choices are down to 3... so we alternate restaurants every 3 Sundays...

Today, we went to one of those 3 usual places... but it was a bit crowder than usual... maybe due to the fact that today was a soccerless Sunday... so we couldn't get our usual long table. The table we got, seated us a bit closer together... which is a recipe for disaster... anyhoo.. appart from holding everything together in order not to have a Sunday Brunch Implosion... we were swarmmed with flies... our "regular" table is located under a rotating fan -- so we never have a fly issue... but today's crappy table, besides being smaller, was located about 350 miles from the nearest fan... and it happened to be a fly convention center...

Excuse me... could I get a fly swapper?

The waitress could not hide her expression of surprise and disgust... and walked away... but didn't return... so I decided to go above her head and talk directly to the woman in a red coat who was holding the walkie talkie...

Excuse me... we need a fly swapper...

The woman returned after a while with a swapper wrapped in a plastic bag... obviously, she didn't want other patrons to notice it... but how can you swap a fly under a plastic bag... one sway and the fly's gone... so I took it out to reveal not the cleanest and most sterilized swapper around... I had only killed one, when the food arrived... and I decided that it was beyond gross to keep on with the massacre...

Excuse me... do you happen to have a fan or maybe a citronella candle... or something?

The woman with the walkie talkie smiled... walked away... and never returned... never offered a solution... or anything...

Excuse me... I need to see the manager...

When the manager arrived, we had already spent most of the meal chasing flies away... yeah... we got free desserts... but somehow that only feels like a bittersweet victory...

As I walked out of the restaurant, tired and defeated, I swear I could hear a few of the flies laughing the asses off...