NIFOC

Don't understand what's going on
Woke up this morning,
All the hurt was gone
This is a new beginning
I'm back in the land of the living

Saturday, June 26, 2004

THE SILENCE BETWEEN


I.

The silence between the notes are as important as the notes themselves. And it is the silence between the notes that gives them meaning and grace. ~ Mozart.

Silence is very imporant. There is the silence between two noises, the silence between two notes and the widening silence in the interval between two thoughts. There is that peculiar, quiet, pervading silence that comes of an evening at the beach; the silence in a house when everybody has gone to sleep, and its peculiar emphasis when you wake up in the middle of the night and listen to the bark of a dog in the distance; There is the silence of an old deserted house, and the silence of a mountain; the silence between two human beings when they have seen the same thing, felt the same thing, and acted.

There is the silence of the mind which is never touched by any noise, by any thought or by the passing wind of experience. It is this silence that is innocent, and so endless. When action springs from this silence of the mind, it does not cause confusion or misery.

There can not be music without silence just as there can not be light without darkness, pleasure without pain, life without death, love without hate, good without evil, innocense without lust, bravery without fear...

II.

I am very afraid. I'm a grown man and do not admit this easily, but I find I cannot avoid it any longer. I have never felt this way before. I have been disappointed, incredulous, angered, frustrated, nonplussed and saddened, but never really and purely afraid.

I need comfort, I need shelter, I need healing for my soul
I need God to send me down one of his angels to give me hope...

Friday, June 25, 2004

ANNIVERSARY


Today I celebrate alone...

The most amazing night of my life...
The most painful night...
because I know it will never happen again

but the memory remains.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

ECLIPSE


The lunatic is in my head
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.


Hey... dude... I have a question for you, my pathetic friend... As we both know, your life is collapsing... and as you know, this time it will be for real: a multiple dimensional collapse...

That does not sound like a question... What is your question?

Why didn't you ask for help when you could?

You know very well why...

Don't tell me... that fuckin' shit about fear of rejection again? You're such a loser.

I'm not.

Yes, you are. And you know it. You write poetry nobody likes, you write stupid love blogs nobody reads or care about, and you can't even get a decent kiss much less anything else... that qualifies you as a pathetic loser. And look what you have been reduced to... having to ask permission to touch an ass you didn't want to touch in the first place... And to make matters worse... you don't ask for help for the same reason you don't do anything else... because you're afraid someone who doesn't really care about you is going to say no... you know what?... you deserve all the shit that's going on in your life... you deserve to collapse... you deserve to lose it all...

well, maybe you're right... but...

but nothing.. you waste all your time worrying about everybody else's problems... instead of focusing on yours... you spend all your life on some fantasy that is never going to come true... wake up!!!... if something was going to happen it would have happened by now... walk away... move on...

This time, I will... it's almost time...

For what? That stupid plan you have been plotting for months... C'mon... you know you will never have the balls to actually go through with it...

If I'm depressed enough I will...

OK... Einstein... how will you get depressed enough to do something like that?

Rejection... I just have to expose myself to being rejected... something big... the mother of all rejections... I have it all figured out... after that, it'll be too easy... I just have to put everything in order... make sure everything balances out... you know...

You stop right there! I won't let you do that... I won't let you manipulate third parties for your own sick plans... if you wanna do this... do it alone!

Gee whiz!... I guess I really am a loser...

Hey dude... you said it yourself... don't stop believin'... Think about this... at this point, you got nothing to lose... if you're gonna die, die with your boots on... take things to their ultimate consequences... if things collapse, they will when they are supposed to... put yourself in the hands of God... close your eyes and leap into the abyss... and hope for the best... and hey... you'll die... don't let me lie to you... you'll die but you'll die happy. You'll die a lonely pathetic loser, but a happy one.

And if the clouds bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the Dark Side Of The Moon
.