WEDNESDAY

I feel bad today.

Actually, it was my best friend who made me feel bad
with her stupid issues...

To me, it's very difficult to trust in somebody else...
I almost never let anyone see the real me...
I hide behind masks and masks...

But when I take off the masks... and let someone through...
It's all or nothing... That's just the way I am
So I trust the person completely and in every single aspect...
I stand before the person completely naked...
No issues... no shame... no bullshit...

Exposing all my flaws and virtues...
Letting the person see who I really am...
Nothing more nothing less
And to me, it's important to do that...
Because I do not do it with everybody...

But I feel bad when the people I trust and love...
start giving me selected trust...

I trust you for A, but not for B....
I want to share this aspect of my life with you,
But I do not want to share that other aspect
I want to talk about A, but not about B
You can do this, but you can't do that
You can see this, but you can't see that
I do not want you to see me like this or like that

I can't work like that...
I won't work like that
I just can't...
If I'm giving full access,
I need to receive full access too
If not, it's just not worth it.

So...
It just turns me off, shuts me down...
Makes me uncomfortable and feel bad
When my best friend...
the one person who is supposed to give me full access..
'Cause I give her full access too...
feels unconfortable around me
because of some stupid issue...
I really thought we were beyond that...

It hurts real bad when she does that...
I mean she can have issues with anybody...
but not with me... she's not allowed to do that...
those are my rules... quite simple really...

but if she can't play with them...
I won't be able to play with her anymore...
which breaks my heart!!!

TUESDAY

Last night I had the strangest dream...

I dreamed that for once...

I did not have to spend my day hunting some asshole down...
that the day went out smoothly... no hassles, no bullshit, no delays....
that the nightmare was finally over...

I dreamed that she told me she loved me, grabbed my hand, kissed me...
and took me to Heaven...

I dreamed that we all got along... as one big family...
and shared the good life together...

I dreamed that there were no issues of any kind...
instead, full honesty and openness... no more bullshit

What is life? a tale that is told;
What is life? a frenzy extreme,
A shadow of things that seem;
And the greatest good is but small,
That life is just a dream to all,
And that a dream is nothing but a dream.