THE DARK SIDE OF FRIENDSHIP

I’ll come out and said it.. I’m a bigot when it comes to friendship. No, I don’t care about race, culture or ethnic group (in fact, I’ve had quite a diverse group of good cross-cultural friends – blacks, Indians, Argentines, Germans, Russians, Gringos, etc.). I don’t care about gender, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, political ideals or views on the epistemologic breakdown either… I will define myself exclusively as an intellectual bigot.

Man, I’ve tried being friends with dumb people… but I just can’t stand them.

However, I think there has to be something more… something I’m not really sure how to define but, for lack of a better word, we can call “chemistry”… The funny thing is that this chemistry goes beyond friendship… I’m starting to realize that it also permeates into professional relationships, both horizontally and vertically.

Therefore, it should come as no great mystery that I have actually become friends with people I had professional chemistry with. One such example is Gazoo. Gazoo and I hit it off from start. The day we met –at work- we just had a grand ole time and continue to do so until today. The times we have had to work together, sparkles have flown… we make a great team, we have great respect for each other and we both have peeped into each other’s dark side… which is definitely a rare occurrence. The same kind of professional chemistry I experienced with co-workers like Dave, Andy and Danny – and I befriended all of them.

Now, let us take a moment to ponder on the definition of friendship… Most people would say something like “A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out." And most people would be right~ However, that is not my favorite definition. I am more partial to this one:

“A friend is one who understands our silence”

And I also believe that friends are the ones who are not afraid to see your dark side… All of the people who I consider my friends – Gazoo, Dave, Andy, Danny, Laurent, Jesse and, of course, the missus. – have definitely seen chunks of my dark side and I, in return, have seen chunks of theirs.

True friendship needs also to be time and space tested. When I was abroad, Gazoo, Andy and Laurent all found ways of keeping in touch with me – e-mail, letters, the occasional phone call and even recordings that were sent back and forth… and I have been friends with all of these guys for over 10 years…

One thing is rather interesting, though. There are circumstantial friends… when one is abroad, on a seminar or on holiday, one may become extremely good friends with some people during that period of time. But one the “circumstance” is over… you never hear from them again. Such is the case of Patty from Guatemala, or Eduardo, o Carlos or even Rachel. I once had to share such circumstances with Tom, a co-worker, though. He tried to become my friend, I tried to tolerate him… He went to the movies, to the supermarket, to air-shows and even on road trips with us… but no can do…. There was just no chemistry… or maybe I just knew him too well… we have been working together for over 12 years now… and although we try to “respect” each other, we have nothing but a frail strictly professional relationship… and the fact that he is the only person to have ever given me a rose does not help.

At work, as some of you know, unfortunately, I do a lot of hiring and firing. I have decided not to hire any more people with whom I do not feel this professional “chemistry” I have been blogging about. Bad experiences!... I know, I know, I know… sometimes you can develop that chemistry over time… and such were the cases of Yogi and Bruce… but it seems that for each successful example, I go through at least 2 or three unsuccessful ones… so it is not worth it. It is much easier to work among friends, don’t you think?

Now, of course, friendships where there’s a lot of chemistry can turn complicated…. totally out of bounds… and that has happened to me at least once in my life (with Jesse)… but we will have to leave that for another time.