EASTER RANT….

“If you strip away the myth from the man, you will see… “ – Heaven on their Minds. Jesus Christ Superstar

Right off the bat, I need to state that I do admire Jesus. He was one of the greatest teachers ever, an accomplished storyteller, a wonderful compiler of Eastern philosophy and an undisputable milestone in the history of mankind.

With that off my chest, let us begin…

“Always hoped that I’d be an apostle
Knew that I would make it if I tried
Then when we retire we can write the gospels
So they’ll still talk about us when we’ve died” – The Last Supper. Jesus Christ Superstar.

1. The essenes of Qumran did have a great influence of the way Jesus thought and acted, and –as it was revealed by the Dead Sea Scrolls, most of his great speeches (including the Sermon on the Mount and the “Our Father” prayer) were “borrowed” from them. Also we should note that Jesus’ cousin – John the Baptist – was definitely an essene (in fact, some historians believe John was in fact their leader at the time) and probably even Joseph – Jesus’ dad – was one too.

2. I’m going to assume that the gospels are essentially right. However, let us not forget that the earliest gospel – Mark’s – was written several decades after the crucifixion affair. Also, let us take into account that many crucial events were either kept out of the gospels or embellished for political, social or strategic reasons. Moreover, even the most rabid defender of the faith has to agree that the four gospels that finally made it into the Bible contradict each other in several places.

“Jesus Christ, Superstar - Do you think you’re what they say you are?”

1. Mary could not have been a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus. Hey, that would be against the natural law, wouldn’t it? Why would God break his own laws? Besides, the ONLY gospel that mentions this is Luke’s…. and Luke’s was Paul’s (in my opinion, the original antichrist) right hand man. At the time that gospel was written, Luke needed to reinforce Jesus’ divinity and, according to ancient belief, a true deity is always born from a chaste mother… For example, Krishna was born of a virgin (Devaki) and in a cave…and his birth announced by a star. Maybe Luke was somehow trying to make Jesus a Krishna remake. Now, You need two chromosomes for conception: an X chromosome from the mother and either a X or Y chromosome from the father. Where did Jesus’ Y chromosome came from? In other words, who was Jesus’ biological father? Well… someone had to have been… maybe an essene brother gone astray… maybe a Roman soldier… maybe even Joseph himself… after all, 2 of the gospels – Matthew’s and, ironically, Luke’s – establish that Jesus carried the same bloodline as Joseph (Matthew, 1, 1-17; Luke, 3, 23-38). Of course, Matthew tries to prove that Joseph was a direct descendant of King David and therefore, Jesus is a rightful heir to the throne of Israel (which would be true only if Jesus carries Joseph’s DNA). On the other hand, Luke makes an effort to establish that Joseph’s bloodline goes further back to Adam himself, which would meant that Jesus – if begotten by Joseph – had Adam’s DNA.

2. Plain and simple – Jesus did not die on the cross. Do some research… it takes up to 4 days for crucified people to actually die… that’s why Romans favored crucifixion… they could display “criminals” for a while as “remainders” of their power. One way to speed up the process though was to break the crucified person’s legs… However, in Jesus’ case, that never happened. Another couple of extraordinary things happened during that crucifixion… the first one was the “vinegar” given to Jesus when he said that he was thirsty… The essenes were called “Therapeutes” because of their advanced knowledge of medicine… it is believed that the purpose of the “vinegar” (actually a strong acid-based narcotic) was to induce Jesus into a death-like trance… Then, Joseph of Arimathea, a well-known esssene asked Pilate for Jesus’ body… “And then came Nicodemus… and brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about a hundred pound weight” (John 19:38)… A 100 pound weight?.... Was Nicodemus planning to anoint the whole city?... O was it a balm strong enough to speed up the healing of wounds?... Whatever the case, the shroud of Turin shows – beyond any shadow of doubt – that the man that was brought down from the cross was indeed barely alive… the shroud has evidence of running blood… and dead men don’t bleed.

“What is truth?
Is truth unchanging law?
We both have truths
Are mine the same as yours?” – Trial before Pilate. Jesus Christ Superstar.